Thursday, October 7, 2010

Dear Dumbasses -

Yes, you, Mr. I Wear My Sunglasses Even Though the Sun Hasn't Risen Yet. You do not look cool wearing shades when there isn't even a glimmer of sun on the horizon. It was 6:30 in the morning. No sun yet. No daylight at all, actually. You look like a dumbass wearing them. Stop it. Now.

Yes, you, Miss I'm Going to Talk REALLY Loud on My Cell Phone with My Car Window Down in My Super High-Pitched Valley Girl Voice While I'm Trying to Drive a Stick Shift and Steer While Holding My Phone AND Trendy Environmentally Friendly Coffee Cup. First of all, it's creepy to maintain the same speed I am in the lane next to me for a solid 5 miles on the highway. Speed up or slow down, okay? Secondly, there's this amazing device shaped like a little headset that you can put on your ear that allows you to have free use of your hands AND talk on the phone at the same time! No, I swear, it's for real! You know what else they have nowadays? These nifty little niches in cars that are round and just big enough to hold drinks in them - I think they are called "cup holders" and they allow you to take a fountain beverage or cup of coffee with you while you're driving so you can still have both your hands free for that ever important steering that is necessary when one gets behind the driver's wheel of a car. Also, if you kept your window rolled up while driving at 70 miles an hour, you probably wouldn't have to yell into your cell phone in order to be heard by your caller. Because not only will this possibly enable the person on the other side of the phone to hear you, but everyone else around you can hear you too. No, you are not "the best human ever" because you bought an environmentally friendly coffee cup that you "get to use over & over again!" That's kind of the point of the cup, Dumbass. And I don't care that "it's soooo cute because it looks just like a disposable one!" Why is that a bonus? Do you want to trick people into thinking it's just a regular cardboard cup? Because that's just stupid. Oh, and when you're holding said cup while you're driving and not paying attention and suddenly have to stop short because there's traffic, OF COURSE it's going to spill all over the place!! Although I did chuckle at myself when I heard your blood curdling scream. So thanks for that.

Yes, you, Jerkwad Who Parked Your Car Right (at an ANGLE) on the Parking Line. Guess what? I drive a Jeep. It fits in really tiny spaces. I know how to park that thing on a dime. I don't care that you are parked in an effort to keep other people from parking next to your precious '86 Honda Accord. That parking space was close to the building, which, as you know since you work here as well, is a primo spot because it means you only have to walk 1/2 a mile to get inside instead of the typical day-long hike I do most days. I don't care if you barely have room to open up your driver's side door to get in later. Go ahead, ding up my Jeep. It's a CAR and already 10 years old and is rusting in spots so adding a nick to it really won't devastate me. Also, YOU DRIVE AN '86 HONDA ACCORD, so quit acting like it's a freakin' Ferrari, you dumbass!

And, of course, this includes you too, Khloe Kardashian. You cannot "literally" have butterflies in your stomach. Well, I suppose you could but that would require you actually digesting REAL butterflies. I'm thinking you didn't do that. So figure out the difference between "literally" and "figuratively" and stop making youself sound like a bigger dumbass than you probably are. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, Girlie. I'm trying to believe that you are not as stupid as you sound. So help a Sister out, okay?

And this goes out to the rest of you dumbasses - the ones that think it's okay to disrupt military funeral services to spew your anti-gay, bible thumping rhetoric that God's punishing those fallen solidiers because being gay is a mortal sin, thus allowing gays in the military requires God's discipline. I'm pretty sure you're screwing up the message God is actually trying to send, which is "Just be chill and live & let live, Dumbasses!"

And to the judge in Mississippi that forced a lawyer to sit in a jail cell for 5 hours because he didn't say the Pledge of Allegiance. "Contempt of Court" is not supposed to be used as your personal agenda to force people to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, or sing the National Anthem or pray or anything else that infringes upon a person's freedom of speech, which also gives a person the right to not speak if they so choose. It does not make one less American if they choose to not recite the Pledge, and one is not legally obligated to do so under any circumstance. Way to abuse your power and look like the hillbilly dumbass judge you really are.

Get a clue, people. Get a freakin' clue. This is 2010. You should be smarter by now. Stop doing stupid things and behaving like uneducated, unenlightened neanderthals. You will make my life so much easier if I don't have to constantly restrain myself from physically or verbally attacking you. Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.


Seoul Sister

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