Tuesday, August 24, 2010

First Day of School

As most of you are now aware, I have some paranoia issues. And OCD. And probably a good dose of ADD thrown in for good measure. At any rate, I'm also married to a man that has yet to be run off by my...quirks...and takes my panic attacks about various situations (mostly imagined, but could totally possibly be real & happen, so it totally counts as legitimate!) in stride. Usually he's very supportive & understanding.

However, sometimes he doesn't fully grasp the severity of the potential threat about which I'm panicking, and thus ends up being snarky and sarcastic instead of supportive. I guess no one's perfect. Anyway, today was the kids' first day of school. They are now 7th & 10th graders. Every year since they've started school, I was able to either walk them to the bus stop, or when they got too "old" to be escorted, I would watch obsessively from our kitchen window to make sure they did indeed get on the bus and not kidnapped by crazy puppy & candy-weilding ninjas intent on abducting my children and throwing them into the back of a rape van so they could be sold off into slavery never to be seen or heard from again.

Seriously, there are times where I cannot sleep at night because of the horrific things I imagine happening to them, all because I was too lazy or falsely secure in my feeling they were safe to watch them physically get on the bus. And would that be any comfort to them while they are being repeatedly drugged & tortured in some dirty, smelly shack? NO, it most certainly would not. Nevermind the fact that the bus stop is literally 10 steps from our door. Or that even if I did see puppy & candy-weilding ninjas abducting my kids, I'd still be too far away to stop them. Or the fact that both my kids are black belts. Or that my 13 year old son is bigger than some of the 16 year olds in our neighborhood, and that my 15 year old daughter dresses like such a freak I'm fairly certain most folks in the area are afraid of her. It could happen, and that's all that's needed to get me all worked up and incapacitated at the thought of losing my children.

Anyway, this year, because of my crazy commute to work, I was unable to perform my annual task of making sure they weren't kidnapped and sold into slavery of some sort. However, my beloved husband reassured me that he would take over this duty and be ever diligent to make sure they made it on the school bus safely. I went to work, my mind at ease in knowing my husband (who is also a 2nd degree black belt, thus much more capable of catching and disabling any potential ninja kidnappers) had taken me seriously and would prevent any wrong doing from happening. I should have noticed him rolling his eyes...

So, I go to work this morning, and upon opening my email, I received this from my dear spouse:

"The kids are off to school. Both got on their busses okay and only had to fight off 2 or three waves of puppy and candy wielding kidnapper ninjas before doing so. Here is a picture I made for you to remember the kids first day of school this year! Have a Superwonderful day!

P.S. Just be aware this is an artist's rendering of this morning's events, not an actual photograph. Also it is only *based*on actual events...some liberties may have been taken, and names have been changed to protect the innocent."

And this is why I'll be divorcing him for mental cruelty.


  1. I'm sorry for laughing, but I think his e-mail & picture is sweet.

  2. Oh it totally is. He's as sarcastic as they get, for sure. :)

  3. Okay, see, I hate to point this out, but, that ninja is wielding a cat along with a puppy. And, though the disclaimer exists, I have to now call shenanigans!

    Excellent stuff, SS! And good on ya both for getting the kiddos out the door for another year of fun and learning (and ninja avoidance). :-)

  4. See, you knew they could handle those awful Ninjas!

    My own mother would run outside if any of us were out and she happened to hear a siren. And even now, if I don't call within 30 minutes of when she expects I should be home, she calls me. So you're not alone.

  5. That man loves you A MILLION. You are one lucky sister.

  6. That picture is sooooo cute --but wouldn't the cat and the puppy get into a fight and the ninja's evil designs be twarted?

    As one overprotective mom to another, we are all sisters here!

  7. Stay tuned, folks - another fantabulous blog (with pictures!) about my paranoia awaits! :)